“You’re stepping on my foot, cretin!”
A press release has just come to my attention that Dante’s Inferno is being dramatically remodeled. The need has apparently arisen to accommodate a new class of condemned individuals, sinners who are so loathsome and evil that the traditional punishments of Hell are just too tame. The existing tortures, horrible as they are, just don’t fit the magnitude of the sins against humanity of this new breed of miscreants, particularly their war against the truth.
Names of some of those prompting the upgrade are mentioned — Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Rupert Murdoch, Newt Gingrich, Sean Hannity, Michele Bachman, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Ann Coulter, Scott Walker, Sarah Palin, David and Charles Koch, Donald Trump — though the list is certainly not exhaustive and every day new individuals are being added (adding themselves is probably more accurate).
The Devil is quoted as saying, “I thought my good friend Adolph was about as scummy as they come but this new crop makes him look like Mother Theresa.”
As described in the first part of Dante’s epic poem the Divine Comedy, Hell currently consists of nine levels, or as Dante calls them ‘circles’. Descending in order they are: Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Wrath, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and Treachery. Limbo is relatively benign, more of a park than a place of suffering, and is entirely reserved for the unbaptized and virtuous pagans. The next eight circles offer eternal punishment for the host of sins which individually fall into the named categories. There is no way to itemize them all here but as you would expect, the list includes everything from selfishness and hoarding to hedonism and beastiality, deception to murder and betrayal, theft to bigotry and idolatry.
“We hope you guys are enjoying yourselves. Because we’re not.”
Punishments typically fit the sin. Unfortunates are eternally hacked to pieces by sword, perpetually chased by ferocious dogs through flesh-ripping thorny undergrowth, blinded to be left sightless and alone for all eternity, mercilessly crushed by huge stones, drowned and forever left gurgling at the bottom of a sea, immersed in a river of boiling blood and fire, cruelly condemned to permanently sit in a desert of flaming sand with lava pouring down on them, savagely whipped and driven by demons, mockingly having their heads wrenched around to face backwards, sadistically submerged in a lake of boiling pitch, and even spending eternity upside down with their heads entirely submerged in human excrement.
Details are not available at this time, but apparently these time-honored tortures will be like getting a foot massage compared to what will be in store for those who end up in the 10th Circle. Good luck, mega-sinners!
One other interesting aside: Since Hell hasn’t been remodeled for quite some time, the renovation work is providing a terrific opportunity for some equipment modernization. According to the Christian Science Monitor, the Devil has ordered several hundred nuclear reactors from GE, which should give a real shot in the arm to the struggling nuclear power industry. GE was chosen because not only will the reactors provide unprecedented amounts of heat down there, they will also most probably melt down and subject the trustees to radiation poisoning, cancer, and having their flesh fall off their bones in slabs of greasy fillets.
“What I would do for a beer right now.”
The new 10th circle has not been officially named but rumor has it the top contenders are Shit Storm of Evil and Malevolent Assholes With No Redeeming Qualities.
You can vote on these. Just text *666 and hit ‘1’ for Shit Storm and ‘2’ for Malevolent Assholes.
Results will be announced by Ed Schultz on MSNBC on an upcoming show.
