In a surprise move that caught just about everyone flat-footed, President Donald Trump by executive order today made Russian the official language of the United States of America.
Trump came out of the box swinging. When a reporter yelled out a question to him on the 7th hole at the Trump International Golf Course, the president appeared very excited and wasn’t going to take any crap from anyone about his controversial decision.
“I promised jobs, didn’t I? Well, we’ve got a helluva lot of signs to replace. Also a lot of smart phones. The Russian alphabet is in . . . uh . . . acrylic. It’s a whole different deal from our alphabet. A whole different deal! But I tell ya, it’s great! Really really great! Gotta say, I can’t wait to start Tweeting in Russian!”
Of course, this announcement comes on the heels — just 48 hours — of another truly extraordinary development, that of Trump’s replacement of Nikki Haley with Alex Jones as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations.
With the efficiency that is becoming the hallmark of this administration, the transition was quick. Literally the following day, Ambassador Jones was seen sitting at a U.N. Security Council session with bottles of his highly-acclaimed Caveman nutritional supplement lined up in front of him, as he read a new U.S.-sponsored resolution proposing that UNESCO, under the auspices of NATO, administer Crimea as a newly-founded leper colony.
Right after Trump signed the executive order mandating the change in the U.S.’s official language, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was interviewed at a charter school volley ball meet she was attending in the Hamptons: “Well, it’s a challenge. But we’re making America great again. So we’ve got a handle on it. Some of my best friends are Russian. And hey! Have you ever had a Black Russian? Come on! Don’t give me that look! I’m not talking about sex. I mean the drink. It’s vodka and Kahlúa. Yum yum!” Asked about how this might impact her plans for retooling America’s educational institutions, she replied: “Obviously we need some native speakers fluent in Russian. But we’re on top of it. I was online just this morning and personally hired over forty excellent teachers, so no worries. I’d say we’ve got this covered.”
Among pundits, Rachel Maddow was first in line to lambast Trump’s game-changing maneuver. She called it a cheap Soviet-style stunt to sabotage the important work of Congress. Under the strict guidelines established by the directive, from now on, all of the business of government — including any calls for Trump’s impeachment — must be conducted in America’s new official language. Maddow looked into the camera and seething with contempt said, “He knows no one up on Capitol Hill knows any Russian. He and his KGB buddy Putin are behind this treachery . . . having a big laugh at the expense of the American people.”
Unfortunately, no one understood a word of her acrimonious rant. Since Trump’s order was already in effect, her entire show was overdubbed in Russian. No English sub-titles were made available.
What really prompted Trump’s bold, unprecedented move?
Of course, there’s much speculation. Hillary Clinton along with the DNC leadership posed under a huge banner that said: See? We Told You So! Because it wasn’t in Russian, they were promptly arrested and are now awaiting arraignment.
Perhaps more reliably, an unnamed source from within the president’s most private circles at Mar-a-Lago — rumor has it that it’s an African-American maid named Jemima — stated that Ivanka Trump had just received a Matryoshka doll from a friend in Russia and was carrying on about the gift: “Oh daddy! Isn’t this just adorable? I love everything about Russia!” President Trump reportedly then smiled, and looking dreamily at her breasts, proudly patted her on the butt and said: “That’s my girl!”
We thus conclude that as with the cruise missile attack on the Al Shayrat air base in Syria, Trump will do anything to keep his daughter happy. Having everyone in this great nation of ours speaking Russian from now on was just his gift to his precious little daughter.
Ivanka is a Russian name, isn’t it?