I’m sorry . . .

…………

I’m sorry the video of my fake death had no car chases or nice butt crack shots.

I’m sorry there’s an island of plastic debris the size of Texas floating in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

I’m sorry they banned the spitball.

I’m sorry I stole the Stridex pads from Ralph’s in Encino when acne was making my face look like cold pizza.

I’m sorry I forgot to put down the toilet seat.

I’m sorry you can’t smile at a cute kid without his parents calling the pedophile police.

I’m sorry about prisons and zoos, epilepsy and male pattern baldness.

I’m sorry that the iPhone has replaced friendship and now everyone is alone.

I’m sorry that Siamese Twins joined at the head can’t be separated without one of them being as dumb as a garden slug.

I’m sorry Meg Ryan’s cosmetic surgery makes her look like The Joker.

I’m sorry that Hulk Hogan got old because now we don’t believe he can win anymore.

I’m sorry that MySpace turned into a pile of crap that now only losers use.

I’m sorry I forgot your name.

I’m sorry about planned obsolescence and dying bees.

I’m sorry that 36% of Americans are obese.

I’m sorry I left that hitchhiker standing in the rain.

I’m sorry about the Holocaust and global warming.

I’m sorry I didn’t pull out in time.

I’m sorry that artistic integrity is relative, image is everything, every dream is a Ponzi scheme.

I’m sorry that making sense just doesn’t make sense anymore.

Okay?

I’m sorry . . . really really sorry.