“We’re aware of the situation. We’ve got the Coast Guard working this. The best coast guard in the world! These guys are top notch. Great men, every one of them! And we’re looking at an armada of America’s best fighting ships and nuclear submarines to take them out, if they don’t get with the program. God bless our military! The greatest military in the world. I just love them to death!”
This was President Donald Trump’s reply to a Fox News reporter’s question during a visit by local area school children to the White House Rose Gardens, about the latest recent, completely unexpected crisis.
Oceanographers and marine biologists from the Department of Advanced Environmental Studies at Trump University had just yesterday announced some startling findings.
Apparently, starting the day after Trump’s inauguration as president, there has been an enormous spike in the number of gay whales seen swimming off the coastal waters of the continental United States. Calling it sheer coincidence, these same authorities stated unequivocally that there is absolutely no causal connection that can be attributed to the president himself or his administration for this bizarre phenomenon.
A few hours later in a separate announcement made by White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, media representatives were informed that emergency follow-up studies are set to immediately begin to determine if this surge of whale gayness also afflicts Hawaii and the waters off the coast of Alaska.
Caroline Kennedy, U.S. Ambassador to Japan, has also scheduled a meeting with Japanese Prime Minister, Shinzo Abe, to enlist the expertise of local scientists to determine if there have been any similar sightings of whale fudge-packers in the Sea of Japan. Japan has a veritable army of highly credible whale experts, who undoubtedly will be able to shed some light on this troubling development.
The real concern in this mounting crisis was expressed by an unnamed high-ranking official in the Department of Education, who reputedly received his training, expertise, and sensitivity in the sphere of family values, as a corporate raider with Goldman Sachs: “Summer is coming, which means time at the beach. We sure can’t have young children exposed to the kind of thing that these gay whales do — whatever that is — with their wild abandon to hedonistic coupling, showing no regard for common decency. This is truly offensive in the extreme. It is shamelessly un-American.”
Now that whale gayness is acknowledged as an attack on American values, it has stirred up quite a few members of Congress. Calls for a complete investigation are gathering tremendous support, driven by speeches on the floor of the Senate just today by senators John McCain and Marco Rubio. It will focus on possible Russian involvement in the horrifying shift in sexual preferences among large mammals. Can we expect to see a corresponding escalation in coming out parades of pink elephants? Gay hippo same sex mud parties? Gay gorillas?
Whew! It just never ends. If it’s not one thing, it’s another, eh?
I remember back in the 90s seeing a bumper sticker . . .
Nuke the gay whales!
I thought it was pretty funny at the time.
But it’s no longer a joking matter. It’s now the newest battle cry in President Trump’s noble struggle to make America great again.
So whatever you do, folks . . . don’t laugh.
It’s not funny. Not at all. Not one bit.
God bless America!
