Life In Japan: Washlets

The first time I ever saw a washlet, to be entirely honest about it, I was genuinely afraid to sit down.  To my unschooled Western eyes, it looked like an ejection seat in a fighter jet.  Seeing it plugged into the wall most definitely made me pause.  I’m not exactly excited about having 100 volts of electricity anywhere near the 2nd most important cluster of organs on my body — the ones responsible for both a great deal of pleasure, as well as relief from the build up of sludge and stinky fluids. 

The washlet is the technological evolution of the “bum gun”, a simple, standard approach to hygiene for the private parts, still commonly seen in Southeast Asia — Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, Vietnam, Myanmar.

When I first saw a bum gun, I thought “how primitive!”  The real truth?  My disdain itself was an embarrassingly primitive, insular, knee-jerk reaction.  What do I mean by that?

Is this the best we can do? Seriously?

I imagine an advanced race of extraterrestrials returning from our beloved planet Earth, reporting to the Council of Wise Elders on their own beloved space rock: “Well, they’re an interesting but strange bunch there on Earth.  In some ways, they’re quite advanced.  But in others quite puzzling to say the least.  They actually cut down trees to wipe their asses.”

Yes, we cut down trees, process them, turn them into pulp, then toilet paper.  You know what happens next.

The bum gun does the job much more admirably and is much more eco-friendly, at least in terms of maintaining forest cover on our ravaged planet.

Just spray and wash.  Pat with a towel.  Get on with your life.  Frankly a thorough wash is much more sanitary than . . . you know how it goes.

Back to the washlet, a Japanese innovation I put on a par with the invention of the steam engine or artificial intelligence.

Washlets come in varying degrees of sophistication, accessorized to accommodate a wide range of tastes.  But they all perform the same purpose.  They wash you.  Men in back. Women back and front.

You can adjust the temperature of the stream, the intensity of the stream.  It can be just a direct stream or in “massage mode” a wiggling stream.

Some washlets greet you!  Some play music.  Some put the toilet seat up and down for you.

This borders on somewhat excessive for my particularly pedestrian world view and spartan expectations.  But there’s one feature pretty standard on washlets that is truly admirable.  THE TOILET SEATS ARE HEATED!  And you can adjust the temperature on them too.

Why haven’t these caught on in Western countries?  Has someone tried to market them to the wiping/smearing/stinky-butted round-eyed barbarians of Europe, the U.S., Australia, Canada, and the rest of the non-Japanese world . . . and gone bankrupt?  I don’t get it.

Yes, I admire much about Japan.  And every country has its pluses and minuses.  You can examine and study, compare and argue, go back and forth, weighing the pros and cons. 

Then some one thing comes along which is so phenomenal, so HUGE and AMAZING, so entirely off the charts, so beyond anything else on the table, it’s no longer a contest.

The simple unavoidable truth is . . . 

Washlets put this country in a class by itself!  

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Wild and Crazy in Chiang Mai, Thailand!

What were you doing New Years Eve?  The usual.  Or the unusual.

As is standard operating procedure for us, Masumi and I were well off the beaten path . . . we certainly weren’t in Times Square.  We weren’t wearing a beer guzzler cap.  We didn’t do vodka jello shooters, smoke DMT or put magic mushrooms on our eleven-cheese pizza.  We never even got around to singing Auld Lang Syne.  

Here’s the very short, edited version of our New Years Eve celebration.

This was the climactic end to seven days in Chiang Mai, Thailand.

To put it mildly, it was a unique and highly entertaining visit to a country I’ve been to before, but always finding intriguing.  My wife Masumi, however, has never been to Thailand, so this short adventure was especially exciting for her.

Doi Inthanon National Park is about an hour drive from Chiang Mai, and is home to the highest peak in Thailand.  On our way there for two days in nature, we went through a Hmong village, where they happened to be having a New Years festival.

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The park and surrounds were outstanding.  Unfortunately, since Doi Inthanon Mountain itself shrouded in a cloud, while we were there the visibility at the top was limited.  But as the day progressed, the air cleared and we got to do some hiking and experienced stunning views of the countryside.  We stopped at a few villages sprinkled around and sampled “real life” in this rustic, relatively underdeveloped part of the world.  

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For easy access to the park, we did a homestay at Nongtao, a Karen tribe village actually within the great expanse of Doi Inthanon National Park.  People were shy but amicable.  Our host was truly superb, helping us decide what to do and how to get places.

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Not far from our homestay was an elephant park.  These were no ordinary elephants.  They had all been in the parade celebrating the recent coronation of the new King of Thailand.  You can sense from their regal bearing and sophisticated manners their royal blood lines.

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What would a visit to Thailand be, however, without spending time at a few of the literally tens of thousands of temples and shrines?  We capped off sacred site hopping by visiting the world-famous White Temple, a short distance outside of Chiang Rai.

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We were so comfortable and fit in so perfectly, I’m sure no one suspected for a moment that we were tourists.

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Life In Japan: Shinto Monk Home Blessing

All of us at one time or another have had strangers come to the door.  Maybe it’s Jehovah Witness or Mormon recruiters; someone looking for a prior resident; a person whose car has broken down; a magazine salesman; one of those people who go around stuffing fliers in mailboxes, advertising a new gym, a sale on snow tires, a new restaurant opening down the street, a holiday sale; a person with Alzheimer’s disease who wandered out of the back door of their house down the street.

But how many of you folks can say they’ve had Shinto monks come by to bless your home, your life, and all of those in your immediate family?

Of course, they’re seeking alms.  But that’s really standard operating procedure here in Asia.  When I was in Myanmar, shortly after sunrise, young monks would fan out through the neighborhood where I was staying and ask for a daily contribution for their sustenance and the continuation of their spiritual work.  The community values their presence and what they contribute to the social equilibrium, and shows its appreciation with pocket change and small bills.  Is this so different than passing the hat, collection basket, handheld wireless ATM at a church in the U.S.?  I think not.

Besides, the Shinto monks who go door-to-door here put on a nice little show!  See for yourself . . .

It must be working.  No one around us that I’m aware of has gotten the plague, we’ve had no invasions of locusts, blood seems confined to the arterial systems of the hosts, we never get thunderstorms of hail and fire.  We have our share of frogs but quite honestly they’re cute little critters.  Noisy but cute. 

I’d say Japan is better off than most ancient civilizations.  Meaning, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.  I’m certainly looking forward to another visit from the Shinto good fortune team when they run out of money.  Until then I think I’ll just levitate . . .

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Life In Japan: Harvesting Soybeans

It probably seems late to be writing here in December about harvesting anything.

But soybeans are an interesting crop.

First off, soybeans are called kuromame — 黒豆 — here in Japan, literally ‘black beans’.  Because when they are left on the vine to completely mature, they dry, become very hard, and are a deep ebony color.

In actual fact, soybeans are harvested at two distinct stages.

The first harvest comes about a month after the appearance of the new bean pods.  These soybeans are green and fairly soft.  When the pods are boiled and lightly salted, they are called edamame — 枝豆 — which translates to ‘stem pea’ or ‘branch pea’.  Edamame is among my favorite treats both at home and at a restaurant.  It makes a great snack or an appetizer.

It’s right after this first harvest that our prefecture — a prefecture is the equivalent of what is called a ‘state’ in the U.S. and there are 47 prefectures in Japan, ours is named Hyogo — has our annual Black Bean Festival. 

Because our beans are reputed to be among the best in Japan, people come from all over Japan to buy them, or send them out as gift packages.

This first harvest either must be eaten quickly or frozen.  The green soybeans will spoil within a week of being harvested.

Which is in sharp contrast to black beans.  They will have completely dried out, are hard as a rock, and will last almost as long as most rocks, as long as they’re not attacked by insects or radioactive zombies.  At the same time, in order to make them edible, they must be boiled for hours and hours.

To arrive at this petrified state, black beans are left on the vine for two to three months.  They are monitored and at some point their stalks are cut and they’re flipped over and either left upside-down on the ground or hung up to dry out.  So here we are in December and many local farmers are just getting around to collecting their black beans.  Some will leave them out for another month or so.

Here’s an interesting side note.  Black beans taste very different than the early-harvest green soybeans.  They’re roasted to eat as a snack, boiled and made into a healthful soup, soaked in sugar and used for various desserts.  They’re turned into a sweet paste and used as a filling in dessert cakes, the way we Westerners might do with custard or whip cream.  Or sometimes the beans are sweetened and inserted in a cake or sweet roll the way we might do with raisins or chocolate chips.  This all seemed pretty weird to me at first, but I’m getting used to it finally. 

Actually, the Japanese have quite an array of splendid confections unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before: dumplings, starch balls, rice cakes, hakuto jelly, tokoroten, higashi, dango, dorayaki, mochi.  They have great affection for honey toast, sugar toast and every imaginable variety of crepe.  There are crepe shops and stands everywhere! 

One thing I definitely haven’t figured out yet:  Japanese love their sweets, love their treats, and in general love to eat!  But they’re so slim.  It’s not like every other building is a gym or there’s a raging pandemic of bulimia or anorexia.  If you could bottle whatever slimming mechanism is going on in this strange land — call it Svelte Fat Melt Magic Elixir #9 — you’d become a billionaire overnight!

Here are some photos, spanning both the early and late soybean harvest.

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Life In Japan: Jennifer the Cat, Media Darling!

As an attention-starved author and overgrown baby, I of course am always trying to attract publicity.  Again, one of my kitties has humbled yours truly by being featured in our local newspaper. 

Maybe I’m approaching this wrong.  Do I need to learn how to purr to get noticed around here?

Of course, the selection of local pets for cameos is not random.  And since our kitties are the most beautiful in the world, what choice is there but to run their photos and say a few complimentary, if inadequate words?  I’m frankly surprised they don’t write them up on the front page with a huge eye-catching headline like . . .

JENNIFER THE CAT STEALS EVERYONE’S HEART IN SASAYAMA

. . . or create a special standalone section for them like the Arts & Culture Magazine of the New York Times.

You think I’m biased?  Check out these photos!

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Which gets to the heart of the challenge for me personally.  At least in the cuteness department, I simply can’t compete.  So I need to create my own separate niche.

I got it!  I’ll write novels!  Incredibly cute novels.  With cute covers.  And cute characters.  Cute story lines.  Cute plot twists.

Novels that purr!

Hmm . . . I may have gotten off to a bad start. Politics?  Satire?  Human trafficking?  Growing up in Detroit?  The end of the world?  Drug smuggling?  Eating giraffes?  

What’s cute about any of that?

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Life In Japan: Annual Neighborhood Curry and Bingo Party

Curry is of course from India.  But the Japanese put their own spin on it and have come up with quite a few of their own variations, some spicy — but not that spicy — some mild, all quite delicious, at least to this Westerners palate.  Curry is extremely easy to prepare and is a very common everyday dish, one served at school lunches, outdoor markets, festivals and other social gatherings, restaurants, certainly at home for evening dinner.  Curry here is always served with rice.  Here we only use homegrown local product, often grown and harvested by the very people in my immediate community.

Bingo I assume was imported from the U.S. — though it’s roots are in Europe — and is quite the rage here.  When I used it as a teaching tool for my English students, it made sense.  Match pictures and words.  Build a vocabulary while learning to “hear” English. 

But I soon discovered that Bingo is played all of the time here.  It’s certainly fun for all ages and a good excuse to give things away, something else Japanese love to do.  Giving gifts is like shaking hands or breathing here.  Whether it’s a social obligation, heartfelt gesture, tradition, or habit, it’s always great to be handed a special gift by another individual.  

Every year our village of Noma has their curry-bingo party in November.  Last year I won some kitchen utensils and two years ago a kite.  I can feel your envy across the vast stretch of cyberspace!

There is so much community here in Japan, at least where I live.  Maybe this isn’t the case in the big cities, but certainly here, the folks living in Noma, the neighborhood community on the eastern edge of the city I reside in, get together regularly and work on some project, celebrate a holiday, hold a ceremony, or just have a good time.  It’s very charming!  More importantly, because of all of these social affairs, I feel like I belong here, as a member of an extended family.  The regular socializing also gives everyone a stake in keeping the neighborhood safe, clean, wholesome.  Friendly smiles and greetings are the norm.

I say sometimes I feel like I’m living in a fairy tale.  But maybe what I have is just the comfortable, civilized way things should be for everyone everywhere.  Life’s not just singing solo.  A little harmony greatly improves the song and the rhythm of life.

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Life In Japan: Festival of the Portable Shrines

Every year during the third week in October we have a most unique and marvelous festival here called the Festival of the Portable Shrines.

I don’t exactly know either its “purpose” or how to describe it.  Hopefully the photos and video will offer some idea what an exhilarating two days we have here in Tambasasayama, as the streets fill with colorful costumes, huge shrines either on wheels or being carried by the heartier men — many of whom are extremely inebriated on local sake — and visitors from all over who come to enjoy the festivities.

We see a lot of unfamiliar faces.  This festival coincides with the soybean harvest, and our town is known for having the most delicious soybeans in Japan.  So we see Japanese from all the surrounding prefectures — the Japanese equivalent of states in the U.S. — even from as far as Tokyo, which is over 500 kilometers (320 miles) away.  There’s also a decent mix of Westerners in town.  ALTs — Assistant Language Teachers who typically teach English in the area junior and senior high schools — converge from the entire region.  This is also the time that the exchange students arrive from Walla Walla, Washington — which is Tambasasayama’s sister city in the U.S. — to experience a two weeks concentrated dose of Japanese culture.

Here are a few photos.

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And here’s a short video compilation from just last week.

See you next year!  Bring your smiles.

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Life In Japan: Harvesting Rice

First, they prepare the soil.

Then they plant the rice.

The rice grows.

Then . . . 

[ DRUM ROLL ]

They harvest the rice!

Can you feel the excitement?

Granted it’s not as riveting as World Cup Rugby. . . or watching the Oscars . . . or having Vladimir Putin drop by for lunch.

But it’s what they do here in Tambasasayama — year after year.  It’s the cycle of farming, the rhythm of the seasons, the drumbeat of life.

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Being raised in a major city, a factory town no less, I find this whole business fascinating.  Almost magical!  Detroit didn’t have any farms back then, though I hear these days there are quite a few organic gardens in the empty lots remaining after the houses are burned down. 

To really do this right requires bringing out some industrial-strength gadgetry.

I tell people I live in the middle of rice and soybean fields.  Indeed we do.  They of course rotate the crops to keep the soil full of vitality.  And throw other vegetables into the mix.

Just a few days ago, quite late in the season, they finally harvested the rice growing directly in front of our home.  As you can see in the photo below, we have a forest right behind us.  That’s my wife Masumi’s Mazuda Demio sitting out front of our place. 

She thinks it’s funny I take so many “farm photos”.  I guess it is.

 

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Why should the U.S. wage war on Iran?

Why should the U.S. wage war on Iran?

There are so many answers to that question, it’s difficult to know where to begin. But here are a few right off the top of my head, based on our current foreign policy and the thinking mapped out by the truly remarkable collection of political leaders currently at the helm.  One of these real geniuses offers insights into the kind of guy he is in the above video.

Anyway, please stand at attention with your hands over your hearts, as I offer twenty-four of the reasons why we should wage war on Iran.

1)  Because we can.

2)  We have all these bombs.

3)  What good is a military if you don’t use it?

4)  We love spreading chaos!

5)  Destroy, divide, conquer.

6)  Have you ever seen Hassan Rouhani on Dancing With The Stars?  Obviously he hates our freedom and our television shows.

7)  God told us to.

8)  Israel told us to.

9)  Saudi Arabia told us to.

10)  Lindsey Graham told us to.

11)  We want to start a world war (see #2 above).

12)  We got over the Vietnam Syndrome but now we have to get over both the “Afghanistan Syndrome” and the “Syria Syndrome”.

13)  It’ll piss off Russia.

14)  It’ll piss off China.

15)  It’ll piss off Hillary Clinton because she wanted to be the one to start it.

16)  Donald Trump will get re-elected because when we’re at war we have to rally behind the president (I think it’s somewhere in the Bible: “Don’t change horses’ asses in the middle of a war.” Leviticus? Corinthians?)

17)  Hollywood needs new settings for its upcoming war movies.

18)  War Is A Force That Gives Us Meaning by Chris Hedges.

19)  Americans love war as long as it’s NIMBY.

20)  Jared Kushner.

21)  War makes lots of money for investors, especially the already ultra-rich.

22)  It’ll hasten the Rapture.

23)  Peace is for pussies.

24)  Iranians revealed their diabolical anti-Americanism by putting their country in the middle of all our military bases.

There’s more.  But I think this is a damn good start!

You have a problem with this?  Too bad.

Posted in Deconstruction, Nihilism, Political Analysis, Political Rant, Satire, War and Peace | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Julian Assange: Lest We Forget What Courageous Journalism Looks Like

New Zealand citizen journalist Suzi Dawson, herself a whistleblower who has taken political asylum in Russia to avoid persecution by the New Zealand government, listed what she considered the ten most important achievements by Julian Assange and Wikileaks.  This was in a interview with Jimmy Dore, October 27, 2018.

Here they are:

1)  “Wikileaks has been keeping the historical record intact, and is actually combating the digital loss as web pages and websites are constantly being taken down from the internet by the powers that be.  In this current paradigm they’re actually scrubbing entire websites and domains at every opportunity.  They’re trying to erase information from our living history.  And Wikileaks’ founding charter says that any information that’s at risk of censorship or deletion can find a safe harbor at Wikileaks.”

2)  “Wikileaks enables victims of persecution to have admissible evidence to fight their cases in court.  40,000 cases around the world have had Wikileaks documents submitted as evidence to the court.”

3)  “They’ve maintained a 100% accuracy record over ten years of publishing.”

4)  “Wikileaks is still publishing despite the full force of the Empire being used against them.  Intelligence agencies, financial service providers, hostile media and law fare, and of course now Julian Assange’s solitary confinement, we still see Wikileaks releases being published.”

5)  “Wikileaks has established a digital library of over 10 million documents, containing pristine datasets, the full relevance of which will only become apparent years into the future.  Every current news story can be further informed by doing a key word search to see what Wikileaks archives contain about topics or persons or places that may be relevant to that news story.”

6)  “Wikileaks has established a whole new way of doing journalism.  They also initiated the first anonymous drop boxes, which we now see that a similar technology is being used by media outlets across the globe.”

7)  “Wikileaks has become the vanguard of press freedom, always pushing at the boundaries of what is acceptable in publishing.  And that is incredibly important because as they are pushing those boundaries further and further out, it allows independent media and citizen media to fill that space in between.  We can go further and do more significant things because Wikileaks is out there taking the heat for us.”

8)  “Wikileaks has published leaks on every country in the world without geopolitical bias.”

9)  “Wikileaks leaves no source behind, and not only do they go above and beyond to support their sources, they’ve actually established other organizations to support other at risk journalists and whistleblowers, such as the Courage Foundation, and we now have proven that Julian Assange was involved in the establishment of the Freedom of the Press Foundation.”

10)  “Julian saved the life of Edward Snowden, who is renowned as the greatest whistleblower of our generation, and was brought to you by Wikileaks.”

Julian Assange should be getting a Nobel Prize, not being persecuted.

What can we do to save this courageous, heroic man?  This is not just about one man, as admirable and honorable he is as a person.  This is about freedom of speech, freedom of dissent, being able to stand up to power and avoid complete and total, across-the-board repression by burgeoning corporate-state totalitarianism.  The media is already a pitiful shell of what it once was.  Silencing the Julian Assanges of the world will just accelerate the demise of public discourse built on honest investigative reporting.

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