What if they gave a war and everybody showed up?

Back in the 60s, there was an anti-war slogan popularized by Charlotte E. Keyes, which was then turned into a full-length film: “Suppose they gave a war and nobody came?”

Well, I’m proposing the opposite: “What if they gave a war and everybody showed up?”

I mean everybody!

All 7+ billion of us.

First, this incomprehensibly large mob would have to see what all the fighting was about. That could take a while.

Next, they’d have to figure out who was who __ who were friends and who were enemies. Considering that there are so many similarities and differences, then similarities in the differences and differences in the similarities, that could take a really long time.

There would just be the basic survival issues. The day-to-day stuff. The meal-to-meal stuff. The where-can-I-take-a-leak stuff. That could really eat up a lot of time and energy.

There would be the inevitable I’m-away-from-home-what-the-hell temptations and opportunities, some innocent, some not. Making friends, fun and games, hooking up, random carnal pleasures. That would provide quite a bit of distraction, to put it mildly.

Think of the possibilities!

Granted, it would be a mess. Just the logistical problems, where to sleep, where to even sit down, would be daunting. It would be the mother of all get-togethers. It could be the party to end all parties.

Let’s just say for purposes of argument or amusement __ if you find this amusing, you really have a lot of time on your hands, so maybe this 7 billion person war is just your ticket __ we finally get around to some serious fighting.

7,000,000,000 people? That is a lot of hard work. Do you shoot them all? Club them to death? Hack them up with ginsu knives? Bore them to death with bad television?

Whew! Very daunting.

My guess __ and I’m definitely going out on a limb here __ is that after killing the first hundred million or so by whatever means, it would all seem pretty pointless. Or at least really really tedious. In fact, I’d venture to say that we’d get sick of it and at least for the foreseeable future, get on with the things that are much more fun (i. e. refer to above, making friends, fun and games, hooking up, random carnal pleasures).

Quite honestly, I don’t think the vast majority of us __ maybe 99.99999% __ would ever get around to fighting. We have better things to do.

So maybe the way to cure our addiction to war is when the next big conflict comes our way, we should all get out our backpacks, duffel bags, kid carriers, picnic baskets, and thermos bottles, then head en masse for the battlefield.

All 7+ billion of us!

Let’s have a real good go at this war business once and for all.

I really truly want to know . . .

What if they gave a war and everybody showed up?


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