U.S. Blames Northern Lights on Russia, Imposes Sanctions

northern-lights_1The U.S. State Department has accused Russia of hacking into the ionosphere and generating excessive and annoying levels of Northern Lights.  The ongoing display of light saber rattling, apparently a misguided attempt to “show off” the technological prowess of their teams of warmongering physicists, extends its “tentacles of terror” deep into the sovereign territory of the U.S. and its European allies.  This has resulted in widespread panic in U.S. cities like Buffalo, NY and Detroit, MI, where public displays of drunkenness and rowdiness have skyrocketed.

While no evidence of Russian responsibility has been offered, White House spokesperson, Josh Earnest, recently stated:  “The motive is obvious.  The constant flashing and gyrating shapes in the sky are intended to cause sleep deprivation.  When people don’t get enough sleep, their guard is down.  The Russians are trying to undermine our national security with this cheap stunt.  It’s an unprecedented act of aggression and, trust me, will not go unanswered.  We are coordinating our response with the Department of Defense, NSA, CIA, and Hayden Planetarium in New York.”

neil-degrasse-tysonOne reporter asked about the rumors that world-renowned astrophysicist Dr. Neal deGrasse Tyson had been summoned to the White House to seek his expert advice on exactly what appropriate counter-measures and retaliation might be available.

“Well . . . Mr. Tyson appears to be a Putin-apologist and commie sympathizer.  When we approached him about this, after he stopped rudely laughing in our faces, the guy just shrugged his shoulders and walked away shaking his head.  What an arrogant man.  We are keeping our eye on him.”

U.S. Ambassador to the UN, Samantha Power, has just presented American demands to the United Nations Security Council that a comprehensive regime of economic sanctions be imposed on Russia for tampering with the electromagnetic field of the Earth.

“We need to show these Russians once and for all we mean business.  Today it’s Northern Lights.  Tomorrow they’ll be injecting vodka into the aquifers serving the citizens of the free world, or blasting balalaika music at us 24/7 from outer space.  This is an outrage and an act of war.  As humanitarians concerned with the welfare of people everywhere on this planet, it is our duty to support the Russian citizenry as they attempt to free themselves from the barbaric oppression and inhumane cruelty of government tyranny, by cutting off all food, water, medicine, electricity, and internet access.  Let these sanctions do their job.  Pass this resolution immediately!”

In a separate interview, another reporter asked Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter, what will America do if the sanctions don’t work.

“We have a Plan B.  If sanctions don’t break the chains of totalitarian control which Putin is attempting to impose on the world, perhaps a few thousand cruise missiles will.”

So . . .

Rest assured, folks, our enlightened leadership has the situation under control.  America will in the end triumph. 

But just to be safe . . .

While there is no medical evidence that Northern Lights per se can cause physiological damage, the FDA has just recommended that until this siege is brought under control, everyone should stay indoors and keep their blinds and curtains drawn. 

Should you have to go out at night, apply SPF-50 sun block to exposed areas and wear sunglasses.  DO NOT STARE AT THE LIGHTS!  It is unlikely but still possible that they contain subliminal “brainwashing” messages.  If you are bothered by the unusual urge to read Das Kapital by Karl Marx, or seized by the impulse to stand on a table and break out singing The Internationale, immediately see a doctor.  This is covered under Obamacare.

 

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  • erik svehaug

    “light saber rattling…”! love it!

  • maggie_zhou

    Haha! The Onion readers should get to see this. 🙂

    • Apparently I’m better at writing satire than I am at promoting peace. If you have any insiders at The Onion, please send them my CV.

      • poontofview

        John, please keep writing about both and remember, talking and writing about Peace never gets old, but is always fresh, as fresh as each new breath we are given to live another moment of life.

      • danielgeery

        The Peace Dividend is a major book. Don’t stop promoting peace or I’ll have to resort to violence and kick your butt! 😉
        P.S. Anyone who hasn’t read that recently published book, SHOULD. It well exposes the money and opportunities we’re pissing away on war and associated bs.

  • This news is too late! Obviously, almost half of the citizens of the US have been mentally compromised, as confirmed by a quick look at the recent political polls. Fortunately for all of us, it appears that Drumpf may have been protected by his hair and/or inoculated early on.
    Consequently, the most direct solution to this threatening apocalypse would be to prevail on Drumpf’s well know patriotism and send him over to Russia to meet with Putin. Of course, I’m sure that The Donald would be glad to wear a small suicide belt that he could activate in order to save the world from the terrifying clutches of the mighty Russian Bear. A Posthumous Medal Of Honor would certainly be in order and that would give a hardy boost to Drumpf’s sagging ego … or what would be left of it.

    • geekster

      Hillary wants to save the world, put the suicide belt on her. Send her on her merry way. She loves it when things go BooM!

  • MyWikiDisQus

    This article is completely true about the Northern Lights conspiracy. It was under electronic lock and key kept in the president’s book of secrets until hacked out by a super spy whose code name is “Alice” using the stealth ‘white rabbit’ software. Here is another revelation Washington is working on to create fear and loathing of the red menace:

    RUSSIAN MALE SPERM WEAPONIZED TO MAKE MORE BABIES!!

    NewsPimp: “General Turdbottom, what is going on inside the Kremlin with this recent announcement?”

    Turdbottom: “Well, clearly the American people should be alarmed that Putin has ordered Ruskie medical biologists to create a new drug that has made the sperm of their male population more potent to impregnate the females faster which results in more offspring. This is setting a vary dangerous precedent and will surely lead to a “baby gap” here in our homeland.”

    NewsPimp: “Why does Russia want more children do you think?”

    Turdbottom: “Obviously their evil plan is to create a new army of kids who grow up believing in their Slavic cultural values over the progressive egalitarian lifestyle of the west. I even heard Putin wants to stop the importation of American GMO agricultural seeds claiming that natural food is more healthy for his people than what Monsanto Corporation produces to fight world hunger. For him to lead his country backward instead of embracing newly designed fortified foodstuffs enhanced with petrochemicals that in no way represents a danger to humans is
    not progress. It’s shocking, simply shocking.”

    NewsPimp: “So I understand you are retiring at the end of the year. What will you do?”
    Turdbottom: “I’ve been offered a consultant position with GoodFood Enterprises.”
    NewsPimp: “Isn’t that a division of Monsanto Corporation?”

    Turdbottom: “My assignment will be in an advisory capacity to work with our political partners in Washington to promote our high quality food brand for the U.S. military. It will be the next generation of MRE (Meals Ready to Eat) and marketed as FBNE.”

    NewsPimp: “What does FBNE stand for?”

    Turdbottom: “Food, (But Not Exactly).”
    NewsPimp: “Thank you, General Turdbottom for such an informative interview.”
    Turdbottom: “Your welcome and God bless America.”

  • TBrites

    And ESA is going to blame the Russian Federation for the loss of the Schiaparelli… Oh wait! Damn it! The ExoMars programme is a joint endeavour between ESA and the Russian space agency, Roscosmos.

    Man, this is really bad luck!

  • Vladislav Krasnov

    John, a good mixture of humorous and serious produces a mind-awaking satire. PEACE from RAGA.org

  • Robert S. Becker

    Glad to hear the Chinese aren’t alone in messing with climate/atmosphere changes. Okay, let the Ruskies exhaust their restricted budgets messing with inconsequentials. WE can outspend them when it comes to gestures. When foreigners start messing with toll booths, traffic controls and fast food outlets, we’ll be in real trouble.

  • Ольга Варварская
  • Andrey Lizunov

    Funny one… Thank your John for this. You have made my day. I’ll send a link to my wife to translate to Russian (she is studying English). 🙂

  • penartur

    By the way, certain Russian seem to believe your satire! They’re now discussing it as if it were real, and denigrate “stupid Americans” for thinking all that obvious nonsense that Putin the Savior not only threatens the world peace but also affects Northern Lights: https://forumbgz.ru/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=society&Number=12807316

    • I think this is a rare exception. The comments at Russia Insider where my spoof also appears indicates the vast majority of readers know it’s satire and think it’s funny. If, however, my attempt at humor starts a nuclear war, I sincerely apologize to the survivors.