Donald Knows Best

It’s obvious why everyone loves Donald Trump. He’s saying the right things and people finally have someone speaking their minds. He’s spewing the ignorant, hateful, ill-informed, and entirely irrational stuff a lot of folks have been thinking but were too embarrassed to say themselves.

Hillary’s handlers had her saying the right things too, but there’s a reason why she did not resonate.  That’s because just too many could see she’s a pathological liar, a political chameleon, a psychopathic warmonger, and a self-aggrandizing opportunist.  And those are actually her pluses. Things went downhill from there.  Just like her poll numbers, before she finally bit the dust in the election.

Granted, Donald Trump isn’t the sharpest needle in the haystack.

But the office of president is a team effort. Thus, what Grand Canyon-size deficiencies the master of the comb-over now brings to the job can readily be offset by making the right Cabinet appointments.

Thus, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together the Donald Trump dream team. They all coincidentally are named Donald, which in a twisted way assures absolute transparency. Whatever flashes of genius come from this synergistic partnership as they lead America into a new age of peace, love, harmony, respect, and national pride, we’ll always know:

“It was Donald’s idea.”

The corollary to that is, of course, when things go wrong they can stop blaming Vladimir Putin for everything and declare:  “It was Donald’s fault!”

Here we go . . .

Donald Sutherland:  Secretary of Bible Studies. I don’t know where he stands politically — he’s probably another closet Communist like 99% of those Hollywood liberals — or what his religious inclinations are, but look at that beard and hair!  My goodness, it’s enough to make Moses twitch with envy.

In terms of credentials, did you see him in MASH?

What a cut up!

Donald Rumsfeld:  Secretary of Known Unknowns. This probably comes as a surprise. But considering the other appointments and being entirely objective about President Trump himself, I genuinely feel his administration needs some sex appeal.  Granted, at 83, Rumsfeld probably seems like an odd choice, given the availability of Donald “Donny” Osmond.  But the fact is, Rumsfeld who was literally a sex god during the George W. Bush presidency, is still living up to his libidinous image with the ladies as “yummy Rummy” — even as his evident decay accelerates. Hey, what can I say? Like the expression goes . . . Some people have just got it, baby!


Donald O’Connor:  Secretary of State.  So many of our politicos are accused of dancing around the truth. Well, here’s a guy who can really dance!  Who can forget his sensational make-’em-laugh routine in “Singing In The Rain”?

Granted, this phenomenal talent has been dead for over a decade. But this is actually an advantage.  He won’t be able to wreak as much chaos and destruction, or further destroy America’s reputation in the world, as his recent maniacal predecessors.  Besides, even dead he has more charisma than John Kerry.

Donald Duck:  Secretary of the Treasury.  Okay okay. I’m stretching it here.  A cartoon character?  Actually, when it comes to things like the debt ceiling, the responsibility of shaping a coherent budget, the U.S. honoring its financial obligations, abiding by international law, or just handling the press, ‘duck’ seems to be the operating word.

Besides, after having Timothy Geitner as Secretary of the Treasury, and watching all of the other Wall Street crooks sucking up to the Obama administration, it will be refreshing to have someone looking after our nation’s financial interests who comes with no nasty baggage.  Name one major scandal involving Donald Duck, and I’ll send you my entire collection of Kajagoogoo posters.

Yo! MC Donald:  Secretary of Education in the Popular Arts.  Here’s a guy with a real solid rap sheet.  Successful entrepreneur, acclaimed and respected nutritionist, great role model, loved by the whole family — an all-around good guy!  Beyond putting a smile on reporters’ pouty little pusses during press conferences, his is the sort of “public face” America needs today across the globe to offset its standing reputation as a warmongering rogue nation.  And how can you not love this man?  It has been rumored that based on the enormous success of teaching Ebonics in the public schools, this forward-thinking adviser to President Trump will be introducing “Beginning and Advanced Rap” into the curricula of all federally-funded school districts.  Every student will receive a free rhyming dictionary, plus a 75-watt signature Kanye West beat box will be provided for every class room.

Admit it.  Isn’t this what makes America great again?  Everyone else in the world takes all this political stuff WAY TOO SERIOUSLY, whereas here in the U.S. we know that it’s all just a TV sitcom, merely another way to market more stuff, a resplendent assembly line of products we never knew we needed until we saw them on television and in YouTube ads.

Which, by the way, includes a phenomenal selection of Donald Trump tie clasps, charm bracelets, t-shirts, action figures, and bronze busts for the mantle or dining room table.

Don’t wait until it’s too late.  Once Trump takes the oath of office, the price of this stuff is going through the roof!

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