John Rachel

Exxon Mobil corporate headquarters in Irving, Texas.

I want to marry a corporation.

Exxon Mobil . . . will you marry me?

How about you, General Electric, Ltd?

Under the current interpretations of the law by courts at all levels on the legal status of corporations, they are considered “persons”.  Yes . . . they have all of the rights we normal citizen type persons have under our constitution __ including the right of free speech, the right to assemble (think monopoly), the right to petition the government, the right to bear arms (think security guards), the appropriate standing to effect contracts and seek judicial enforcement of such instruments (although individual corporate owners and managers are themselves insulated from prosecution in court), and generally the freedom and flexibility to operate unencumbered by the original restrictions put on them back in the day when corporate laws set strict guidelines and sensible limits on how corporations should function in our society.

There are some limitations imposed by the laws of physics, which sensibly align with the edicts of common sense.  For example, corporations can be indicted for crimes and fined, but not be incarcerated.  How exactly would you put a “corporation” behind bars?  They own the prisons anyway, so that wouldn’t work out too well.  Similarly, they are unable to physically walk into a voting booth to cast a ballot.  But as the news on a daily basis amply demonstrates, they are certainly quite capable of buying politicians and getting their way in the hallowed halls of our government-to-the-highest bidder, abetted and sanctioned by the newly hatched prerogative of personhood delivered to them on a silver platter by the Supreme Court via the recent Citizens United ruling.

However you cut it, the law says corporations are persons.

Some people take issue with this.  It’s not just the counter-intuitive aspect of this legal characterization, but the alarmingly advantageous position this puts corporations relative to the economy and the other social, economic and political entities which might serve to challenge and impede their power.  There is the very tangible fear that these “organisms” __ remember they are people __ which flaunt a monolithic devotion and allegiance only to making money, will become uncontrollable monsters.  Pumped up on the steroids of greed, they will destroy everything which gets in the way of their pure pursuit of profit.

Corporations, especially transnational corporations, are already erasing national borders.  In our own country they are often accused of erasing our way of life.  And the bigger and more formidable they become, with the rights and privileges conferred on them as persons __ really BIG persons __ citizens will lack the colossal wealth and influence corporations will wield and end up virtually powerless to stop their assault.  This will finally result in the destruction of America and the subjugation of all of us to corporate rule, an enslavement to faceless entities which will turn America into a feudal state with us as pathetic serfs.

Hah!

As if throwing the country and all future generations into the toilet was a bad thing, when there’s money to be made.  Whiners, I say!

Which brings me back to my original question.

Why can’t I marry one?

Some might think I am only marrying for money.  But just hold on!  Before you go off on some half-cocked harangue questioning my sincerity, let me just say that I have always thought corporations are totally hot!! This goes way back.  Some of my best friends are corporations.  Every day I get letters in the mail from them.

So back off!

In defense of what might seem to be an impossible or purely ridiculous attempt to bring a little corporate love into my life, let me point out that nowhere have I seen it specifically stated that these corporate persons cannot marry.  In fact, I am selflessly willing to invite ridicule, risk complete humiliation and offer my controversial, highly publicized marriage to public scrutiny (the cover of People Magazine would be very nice) and potential judicial review.  That is, I am willing to marry a corporation and subject the validity of our sacred bond of matrimony to the vigilance and astute judgment of the highest courts of the land, should someone wish to challenge it.

Whoa!  I see Apple is doing great these days.  Sales of the iPad again broke new records.  Their newest iPhone is leaping off the shelves.  Plus I am already a Mac user.

This is perfect!  Sounds like a marriage made in Heaven.

Apple Corporation . . . will you marry me?