In a surprise move that caught just about everyone flat-footed, President Donald Trump by executive order today made Russian the official language of the United States of America.
Trump came out of the box swinging. When a reporter yelled out a question to him on the 7th hole at the Trump International Golf Course, the president appeared very excited and wasn’t going to take any crap from anyone about his controversial decision.
“I promised jobs, didn’t I? Well, we’ve got a helluva lot of signs to replace. Also a lot of smart phones. The Russian alphabet is in . . . uh . . . acrylic. It’s a whole different deal from our alphabet. A whole different deal! But I tell ya, it’s great! Really really great! Gotta say, I can’t wait to start Tweeting in Russian!”
Of course, this announcement comes on the heels — just 48 hours — of another truly extraordinary development, that of Trump’s replacement of Nikki Haley with Alex Jones as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations.
With the efficiency that is becoming the hallmark of this administration, the transition was quick. Literally the following day, Ambassador Jones was seen sitting at a U.N. Security Council session with bottles of his highly-acclaimed Caveman nutritional supplement lined up in front of him, as he read a new U.S.-sponsored resolution proposing that UNESCO, under the auspices of NATO, administer Crimea as a newly-founded leper colony.
Right after Trump signed the executive order mandating the change in the U.S.’s official language, Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos was interviewed at a charter school volley ball meet she was attending in the Hamptons: “Well, it’s a challenge. But we’re making America great again. So we’ve got a handle on it. Some of my best friends are Russian. And hey! Have you ever had a Black Russian? Come on! Don’t give me that look! I’m not talking about sex. I mean the drink. It’s vodka and Kahlúa. Yum yum!” Asked about how this might impact her plans for retooling America’s educational institutions, she replied: “Obviously we need some native speakers fluent in Russian. But we’re on top of it. I was online just this morning and personally hired over forty excellent teachers, so no worries. I’d say we’ve got this covered.”
Among pundits, Rachel Maddow was first in line to lambast Trump’s game-changing maneuver. She called it a cheap Soviet-style stunt to sabotage the important work of Congress. Under the strict guidelines established by the directive, from now on, all of the business of government — including any calls for Trump’s impeachment — must be conducted in America’s new official language. Maddow looked into the camera and seething with contempt said, “He knows no one up on Capitol Hill knows any Russian. He and his KGB buddy Putin are behind this treachery . . . having a big laugh at the expense of the American people.”
Unfortunately, no one understood a word of her acrimonious rant. Since Trump’s order was already in effect, her entire show was overdubbed in Russian. No English sub-titles were made available.
What really prompted Trump’s bold, unprecedented move?
Of course, there’s much speculation. Hillary Clinton along with the DNC leadership posed under a huge banner that said: See? We Told You So! Because it wasn’t in Russian, they were promptly arrested and are now awaiting arraignment.
Perhaps more reliably, an unnamed source from within the president’s most private circles at Mar-a-Lago — rumor has it that it’s an African-American maid named Jemima — stated that Ivanka Trump had just received a Matryoshka doll from a friend in Russia and was carrying on about the gift: “Oh daddy! Isn’t this just adorable? I love everything about Russia!” President Trump reportedly then smiled, and looking dreamily at her breasts, proudly patted her on the butt and said: “That’s my girl!”
We thus conclude that as with the cruise missile attack on the Al Shayrat air base in Syria, Trump will do anything to keep his daughter happy. Having everyone in this great nation of ours speaking Russian from now on was just his gift to his precious little daughter.
Ivanka is a Russian name, isn’t it?
Life In Japan: Clouds of Pollen in the Spring
“The awareness is spreading like clouds of pollen in the spring.”
That was a comment I made on a progressive website about the worldwide demonstrations, street protests, and rallies celebrating this year’s Earth Day.
I must confess that until two weeks ago I had a highly prejudiced understanding and appreciation of pollen. I associated it with red, runny noses, puffy, squinting eyes, an annual epidemic of misery among a sizeable chunk of the population. This limited and highly negative view was shaped by thousands of ads for over-the-counter remedies which had been embedded in my brain, probably from my first days of watching TV as a child.
Of course, a little basic biology is a powerful corrective. We find that pollen is the delivery mechanism of male sperm cells for plants. Pollination is about reproduction. It’s how vast landscapes are turned into breathtaking fields of flowering plants, a floral explosion that here in Japan transforms the whole country into a beautiful garden stretching sea to sea.
My awakening, however, did not come from a text book. It came — as is quite common these days — from my lovely and truly brilliant Japanese wife.
Masumi and I were on our way to an outdoor market in a nearby town. It was at the peak of the cherry blossom season. Cherry blossoms here are not confined to parks or community malls. Tens of thousands of cherry blossom trees line roads, rivers, canals, and crisscross fields of rice and other crop plantings. It’s absolutely spectacular.
However, I mentioned casually to her that is seemed a little hazy that day. We’re downwind from the China mainland, which hosts many coal-fed power plants, heavy-industry factories, and the like, so I just assumed it was the usual dust and smoke blowing our way from our Chinese neighbor.
“No, that’s pollen,” explained Masumi. She directed my gaze to the face of a forested mountain we were passing. There was a huge puff of what appeared to be smoke, but not really the color of smoke, or the way smoke looks rising from burning debris. No, it was a cloud of pollen, which was being released in that section of the forest, I assume from the floral undergrowth beneath the trees.
Thus began my quick education and new respect for pollen. That cloud was the promise for the continuing regeneration of the awe-inspiring bouquet we and others across Japan were now enjoying.
Okay. I believe in balanced reporting. So let me explore the other side of this story.
Some folks are allergic to pollen. Those ads for over-the-counter remedies turn their misery into cold, hard cash for the manufacturers of these palliatives. Point taken.
But there are others who don’t have this excuse. These are folks who choose to seal themselves up in an artificial cocoon, stare at flat-panel displays, thus have no idea about clouds of pollen, pollination, flowers, or anything that doesn’t conflate with living under artificial light, being captive of a hermetically sealed environment; no concept of a reality which doesn’t adhere to and reify the rules of commerce and commodification of everything. This is the model embraced by an economy-fixated society, which exclusively views humans as components of monetary mechanisms, consequently only values them as producers and/or consumers.
I would surmise the notion of beauty for such champions of greed is skyrocketing returns on investments and a bulging portfolio of winning stocks. I seriously doubt either of those has much of a fragrance though I may have on occasion heard someone say: “That person smells of money.”
For these individuals, flowers are “beautiful” depending on how marketable they are and what sort of profits they produce. With no sense of irony, they would deem the distress of those allergy sufferers as an opportunity to turn a profit. The more misery these folks have to endure, the better the prospects for some fat returns on pharmaceutical stocks.
We’re told that this is the new way to look at the world. Those old valuations — meaning just the basic use of our senses, and gauging the world around us by the joy and delight we feel in our hearts — are passé, and have been replaced by the new tools of capitalism, the free market, and the now dominant neoliberal paradigm.
Yet, the Earth day protests and celebrations convincingly offered a very different message. That message was loud and unambiguous. Treating the Earth as a factory for man-made goods, narrowing the contribution of human beings to merely producing and consuming those goods, subjecting everything from happiness and love to the value of a human life, only to the metrics of economic worth, reducing all of the potential for human creativity, ingenuity, compassion, nobility, vision, altruism, excellence, and achievement, to mere numbers on a spread sheet, is suffocating the human race, exterminating the human family, eviscerating the human spirit, and destroying the planet.
I’ve made my choice. It took me a while to come around.
I’ll take my chances with the clouds of pollen.